dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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