Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
