someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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