I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
