glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
