Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
