So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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