More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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