Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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