my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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