in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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