Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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