Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
