It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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