I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
