I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
