At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
