Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
