I love black thongs
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
