In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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