At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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