Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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