capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize