If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
