So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
