Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
