I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
