Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Drunk is not a location!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize