My first STD was from a foam party
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
