Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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