This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
