you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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