I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
