I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
