bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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