Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
