I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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