you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
