Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
