having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
