We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
