Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
