i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
