they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
