Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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