My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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