tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
