I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
