I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
