I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
