Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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