dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
