No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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