well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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