i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize