In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
