He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
