??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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