Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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