Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
