Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
