you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
