My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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